Judgement……

I have alot of time on my hands……i knew that going into all of this so i decided early on that i was going to use this time to the best of my ability. Time looks different for everyone, for me i want to grow. I’ve been in need of a growth spurt for quite some time…..i’m ready. I’ve used the term ordinary to describe myself the last few years and i don’t want to feel ordinary…..none of us should. In truth, we’re all extraordinary in our own individual ways….we just need to realize it and tap into it, i haven’t been doing that and i know better. At times i have a hard time expressing my thoughts and feelings verbally…..i find writing much easier for me (another thing i’m working on)….. with that said you don’t have to read any further, these are just some thoughts i’ve had recently on judgement……so, if Fido needs a bath, by all means go give him a bath! Or if Junior has his head stuck in the stair railing…..myyyyy gosh, help the feller out. Crisco works like a charm……trust me……

I’ve been thinking alot lately on Judement….how i’ve done it, how we all do it and how it’s such an instinctual part of who we all are. Those who claim not to do it are wasting their time on an imaginary ideal of who they think they are…..they need to dig a little deeper. Perhaps i just judged? Judging is a natural instinct that as humans we all have…..like swallowing. The key i think, is realizing when we’re doing it. That’s the hard part…..much like swallowing, we do it without thinking about it…..but unlike swallowing it’s not something that we always have to do to survive. I learned this recently after my surgery, i had to consciously think about swallowing, the thoughts of it made me cringe for it was painful….that was a weird feeling, actually having to think about something that comes so natural….it was odd!! Again…..the tricky part, learning how to consciously stop ourselves from doing something that comes so natural…..especially when we’re hurt by something or someone, instinctually it’s the first place we go. What prompted me to get my feelings out was a recent piece i read, on of all people, Monica Lewinsky…..

Who hasn’t heard of Monica Lewinsky right? However…..i hadn’t heard her name mentioned in years. It wasn’t until recently that the talking heads on both sides have resurfaced a part of history in hopes of discrediting the character of a possible presidential candidate. A quick side bar here: what i’m saying here has nothing to do with politics ( i actually subscribed to the Republican way of thought in those days) it’s in reference to judgement….if Lewinsky had had an affair with George Bush my thoughts would be the same. I learned awhile ago to not subscribe to any party affiliation anymore…they’re both a disgrace. Is that judging….perhaps! Back in 1998 when this story broke, i probably shared the same views on her of most. Although….i remember thinking that alot of politicians have probably had affairs he just got caught. I don’t honestly remember having a whole lot of thoughts one way or another, other than knowing it was about power. With power often comes entitlement and recklessness. The leader of the free world got a blow job in the oval office…..disgraceful perhaps, but shocking? No…..

Due to her name being once again splattered all over the media, she decided to get ahead of the game and she wrote a piece for Vanity Fair on her experiece and what her life has been like over the last sixteen years. Out of curiosity i read it…. talk about eye opening, it got my already spinning wheels spinning even harder. Boy…..talk about a lesson in judgement. We all know what happened so there’s no need to recap, but here’s a cliffnote version of what i got from it. Here was a twenty four year old girl, briliantly smart who was ready to make a change in the world. She headed to Washington in hopes of using her intellect and Washington experience as a vessel for positive change. Once there she got some “extra attention” i’ll call it from a charismatic politician who just so happened to be the leader of the free world!!! They started having an affair and naturally got caught. Again…..we all know what happened from there. Luckily for her there was no Facebook or Twitter at the time….we relied strickly on news outlets and smut magazines to emerse ourselves in such scandalous affairs. People couldn’t wait to see her mug flashed all over People Magazine….what was she wearing, how much weight had she gained, if the president was to have an affair why would he pick the fat chic?!! I don’t remember much, but i do remember some of the vitriol that was thrown her direction. In the past sixteen years she has had every name you can think of thrown at her, in the beginning she couldn’t even leave her apartment, she went into hiding and moved out of the country for awhile, and till this day she can’t make it through a job interview (even though she is over qualified and has her doctorate degree) because people are afraid to hire her due to the stigma attached. All of this due to a mistake she made and OWNED sixteen years ago. She has been asked numerous times throughout the years, and offered millions upon millions of dollars to go public and say that President Clinton was a pariah and that he took advantage and forced himself on her. She refused…..instead she took full responsibility for her part in the affair and does to this day. I have alot of respect for that. In 2010 after hearing about Tyler Clementi taking his own life after being outed as a gay man via social media, she decided to go to work on helping kids who are being cyber bullied. She is using her personal hell to help kids…..in my humble opinion she should be revered for that. Instead of being a victim….she took a bad choice that she made sixteen years ago and turned it into something that this culture, in the advent of social media, desperately needs. My point is this…..

Why do we judge and focus on failings verses triumphant endings? I know of not a single person who has not made a number of mistakes throughout their life, yet we continue to judge people based on those mistakes…..there’s something to be said for moving on. You can’t walk into a hotel that’s under construction, hand them your credit card, use their amenities for the night and then write a scathing letter the next day bitching about the noise. You saw red flags walking into the joint and chose to stay anyway. They are well aware of their temporary shortcomings, your scathing letter helps no one. Perhaps you should tell them that they did a good job with what they had to offer and when they finish the project you’d be more than happy to come back? You can’t start a relationship with someone that you know isn’t right for you from the very beginning but for whatevever your reasons you choose to stay anyway then turn around when things hit the fan and judge them for all the mistakes they made. They are well aware of the things they need to work on…..judging and pointing those things out to them helps no one. We should stay in integrity, wish them the best and move on. Take your own personal responsibility for staying in something that wasn’t good for you to begin with. I’m learning that it’s about taking resonsibility for ourselves, that’s all we’re put here to do…..they’re on their own jouney and our journey’s don’t always have to look alike…..and they definately shouldn’t be judged. I’ve spent my life trying to do the right thing, trying to make people happy and trying to help people. It has caught up to me in the last few years and i’ve gotten reckless in my own personal way. I’ve learned that sometimes i carry too many things…..things i have no control over. Sometimes life throws you something that forces you to get quiet. For me….this surgery and all of this time off is forcing me to get quiet….i’ve needed to get quiet for a long time now and figure out what direction i’m going. I’ve thought alot lately about the conversations i used to have with my parents from the time i was old enough to remember. Looking back they probably had no clue what i was talking about, yet we talk about it to this day. I’ve always felt different…..i used to tell them that i was meant for something big, i felt it as a young kid. I had no idea what that meant at the time, i still don’t to a certain degree but i’m figuring it out one day at a time. All i know is that i wanna make people laugh and be the best person i can possibly be….i’ve got a ways to go and i’ll have to carve my own path, this i’m aware of…..but i’ll get there. In the meantime i’m gonna scratch Fido on the belly and open a Wonka Pop….who knows…..i may get crazy and go on my first walk through the neighborhood post surgery with headphones on wearing my NASA neck brace…..i don’t care what people think…..remember…..thou shall not judge….

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