Recently i decided to venture out one evening to attend a friends birthday gathering. Before i get started, let me be clear that i was more than looking forward to ringing in my friends birthday for he’s one fine fella…..he’s smart, he’s funny and he treats my friend like Mary Poppins. Wait…..that doesn’t make any sense….. Mary Poppins was a “magical nanny” (what the hell’s a magical nanny) who comes to the aid of a British family and various adventures ensue. P.S….her mode of transportation was an umbrella…as if we’re supposed to believe that Poppins gets around by umbrella….first off…barring a windy day how would she get lift? Secondly….in order to fly at a cost saving altitude you’re lookin at thirty to forty thousand feet….you mean to tell me that she did that in a sweater? It’s negative fifty below zero at altitude…it didn’t happen, you know it and i know it. My point is…..he’s a fantastic guy and i wouldn’t have missed his birthday gatherin for nothin…..
When i was in my twenties and early thirties i was all about goin out and showin off my AMAZING dance moves. I couldn’t get enough! Between my Pencil Spin and my Suicide Corkscrew i was burnin up clubs all over Maricopa county….if your wondering what those are, Google….i was dizzy and confused as well but now it all makes sense……
I arrived at the club around nine, way past my bedtime. This particular establishment was in Scottsdale. All i wanted to do was park, not a lot to ask as a patron. I use the word “patron” in place of “customer” because it sounds more important and at the end of the day, we all wanna be important right? After my third lap i finally stopped and asked two kids in a golf cart “Where the hell does one park in these parts?” He said “Follow me!” We drove a couple blocks away and parked in what looked like an abandoned office building parking lot. Two things came to mind….1. This parking lot wouldn’t be abandoned if it wasn’t for corporate corruption. 2. Later, as i walk to my car, am i gonna get chopped up into tiny little pieces to never be seen again? Larry offered me a ride in his golf cart back to the bar….he was a nice kid. After exchanging some silly banter i said “Are you hitting on me??” He laughed and said “No”….we exchanged a friendly hug and that’s the end of that part of the story…..
The place was nice and it wasn’t crowded as i walked over to meet my friends who were bellied up to the bar. I ordered a vodka club with a lime….simple yet refreshing. The girl that got my drink was dressed like a misplaced Hooters waitress. Her little boobies were so bunched up in her tube top that my little boobies felt sympathy pain. As she turned to walk away her short shorts were so short that i could almost see her nether regions. Two things came to mind…..1. Perhaps they were 100% cotton and she accidentally dried them down to the size of a keychain. 2. Perhaps she likes to show her nether regions for the sheer fact that she likes the words nether and regions…..i think i might be onto something with the ladder…..
Its now eleven o’clock and the place is turned up! When i googled young people slang, “turned up” means “the parties gotten started!” For stories sake it makes for a better read to be on the down low. Anyway…..the place was pickin up and people were muploadin their ish’s everywhere….confused? You should be. Turns out, “muploading your ish” means taking a selfie….who knew? I’d never seen so many tube dresses and Ryan Gosling wanna be’s. We found a safe spot to people watch by the exit to the outdoor patio…..Axe Body Spray and hair products are highly flammable….the way that place was heatin up it was imperative that we stay near a fire exit…..
At some point i had to go to the bathroom….snakin your way through a crowded bar to get the toilet can be a tricky experience, between the “Excuse me’s” and the elbows to the temple its a wonder we make it in unscathed. Once inside i was greeted by a bubbly little asian lady. She was handing out paper towels and squirting people with stuff. She zoned in on me immediately and asked me why i was wearing a neck brace. I told her i was in a high speed Luge accident….my suit was too loose which threw off my aerodynamics making it impossible to withstand the G-forces going into the high speed turns. She looked to be very confused as she shoved paper towels in my face. Just as i was about to leave i decided to mupload my ish at the sink realizing later that asian lady had photo bombed my ass…..i really needed some distance from her……
Snakin my way back thru the crowd to my safe place i decided it was time to go….it was way past my bedtime. I gave my friends a hug and a couple fist bumps and i was on my way. The moral to the story is this…..wearing Depends Adult Undergarments when your out on the town isn’t such a bad idea….although cumbersome they’ll save you alot of time and frustration….. AND…..
Before taking up the Luge for sport get yourselves fitted…..i can’t stress that enough. One miniscule air pocket in your suit can lead to disaster….trust me…..